Sunday, October 30, 2011

Validation to my heart

I guess I am nothing because no one has ever told me I am 'something'.

We all need validation, to be adored,
wanted, respected, accepted and loved,
without all of them I have just grown up to know I am worthless and thus nothing.
I have no talents, nothing I am passionate about,
I am different to all the other people,

I never share anything in common with others.
There is just me and my worthless self here.
I feel like nothing,

I know I am nothing,

I am a meaningless nothing.

I want to disappear,
no one would never noticed a nothing who disappeared anyway.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Wanting for time

I would stop time for you. Because your memories are precious to me
       Walking through the wards, the sound of heartbeats are music to my ears but I know there will  be  fading sounds signaling the death of someone dear.


                   It was a cloudy October morning, where I was waking from my slumber. I was trying to rub away my sleepiness away. The laughter of my daughter ring through the house. 



               " Mommy, mommy. Time to wake up" her uneven pig tails hair look in through my door with a loop sided smile. 




         The corner of my mouth involuntarily curve up. I  jump out from my bed hugging Alicia down.  The scent of strawberries fill my nose. This is what a mother  feel like, and I'm the proudest mother of all. 


                 " Mommy , are you going to the hospital today?" 



      " No, Alicia. Today my time is with you and I promise to show you the city right ? 


             She bob her head down frivolously, and speaking gaily that she wants to walk across a pedestrian crossing , see the birds in the city  park , eat ice cream and go feed the ducks.  I just grin and  shoo her away to change before I carry her to the car to start our little adventure.

               We first went to the zoo to check out the animals . Her love for animal was evidant for she always presist me to take picture of her and all the animals . Than when we were looking at the Orang Utan a team of vet was doing their regular checkup on them, taking out any thorns out from their feet etc .



         Alicia face lit up and  loudly crying out " Mommy, I'm gonna be a animal doctor when I grow up. I'll save animals just like how you save people "  The family that were visiting was smiling and looking at my Alicia with amusement.  



                Slowly I crouch down to Alicia and whisper in her ear " That you will do, and the animals will love you for that. " Alicia keep staring at the team of vets and  smile. 


                    After the zoo, we were waiting at a busy intersection waiting for the pedestrain light turn green. She look across the street , staring at the beautiful birds. While I warn her that she need to wait for t he light turn green. 


                        The  pedestrian light turn green and Alicia ran. At that time I thought the pedestrian light are safe but I was wrong . My smile falter as I saw driver hitting my daughter. 


                        I gasped,  I was stupefied. The scene unfolded as drivers that we were waiting at the intersection ran from thier car , onlookers were shock. Thats when I quickly ran to my daughter shouting



               " Someone call 911,  Please. "   As that happens I quickly try to find a pulse and luckily I felt the heartbeats. As Alicia eyes flutter, I got kinda panic. 

                           " Alicia, don't close your eyes. You can't because the ambulance are coming. They take you to the hospital.   I keep talking to her till the ambulance arrive taking out a stretcher and delicately carry her up and with my in toll  as we  sped away  .



          We were send to an emergency room, where doctors  and nurses running around trying to subside the blood lost. Than a head doctor where I vaguely remember walk up to me with a blank look. 

                           " Your the patients mom, right? As a collegue , a doctor. I won't give you false hope, but  your daughter has a need for a heart. " 

                        My eyes widen in shock. " Is there any  heart donor right now?" He shook his head from side to side but than I thought of an idea. " How about you guys using my heart, to let her live?" 



                 " It's unethical to do that to a healthy person. You should know that, and even if its possible. You'll die in her stead, where you'll leave her forever without a mom."  he silently sigh with sadness. " I recommend you, your daughter only have an hour to live give or take. So spend time with her, give  her comfort. " 



            I quickly open the door, to witness the sad sight of Alicia. Her blood wound reside but I know inside her heart has suffer too much damage to live. I felt tears almost welling up. 


                           " Mommy its ok, don't be sad."  Ironically she gave me a loop sided smile like  the one in the bedroom not a   few hours ago . " I'll be okay." 



                     The tears prickle down my cheeks as I was holding her hand. Tears pour down like a river  till I feel her hands give out but I'm still wanting to hold her.



               I shudder  not knowing if its  the sad memory to resurface or the cool blast of wind that is gently blowing around me. I was on the hospital roof and silently put another pot of flower plant to commemorate the memory of my daughter , Alicia. 




           She was there again, another year has past so fast . With the pot of plant but something is up. She took out a bottle of tablets and as the tablet hit her mouth. His horrified expression tells all, that will be the last anyone will see her again. Well alive at least.




Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Sunshine to my eyes

  I don't know why they call it heartbreak.  It feels like every other part of my 
              body is broken  too.


             The pressure to succeed is always there. The pain of failures are always there waiting to collapse on my shoulder and that happen  on the Spring of my 19th birthday. It was one of those days where life just past by slowly until I met her .......

                   I was walking through a small cafe at Oxford Street  ,waiting for my mates.  That's where I met her. She's the most gorgeous girl that I ever seen , well more like a Madonna. Her glossy black hair shining under the spring sun with a gentle breeze sweeping her hair to the side letting me admire her beautiful hazel eyes.  At that moment, I know the true meaning of love at first side .


                            Before I knew it my mind its screaming " the one" . 

                I was going up to her  when one my best friend wrapped his hand over her and kissing " my Madonna" on her cheek.  My hand became clamy. The once gentle breeze  becomes quite chilly. Chilling my heart. My thoughts racing in my head trying to find a logical explanaition. 

                   " Happy Birthday, mate. It's been so long.  Meet Jessica, she my girlfriend. "
              " Happy Birthday, Liam. I heard many great things about you. " her warm smile seem like sunshine to my eyes.

                  I was stunned  by the news and it numb my head. " Get yourself together, Liam. Answer you bloody idiot." Thats when I know life is just a twisted game.