Saturday, October 8, 2011

Wanting for time

I would stop time for you. Because your memories are precious to me
       Walking through the wards, the sound of heartbeats are music to my ears but I know there will  be  fading sounds signaling the death of someone dear.


                   It was a cloudy October morning, where I was waking from my slumber. I was trying to rub away my sleepiness away. The laughter of my daughter ring through the house. 



               " Mommy, mommy. Time to wake up" her uneven pig tails hair look in through my door with a loop sided smile. 




         The corner of my mouth involuntarily curve up. I  jump out from my bed hugging Alicia down.  The scent of strawberries fill my nose. This is what a mother  feel like, and I'm the proudest mother of all. 


                 " Mommy , are you going to the hospital today?" 



      " No, Alicia. Today my time is with you and I promise to show you the city right ? 


             She bob her head down frivolously, and speaking gaily that she wants to walk across a pedestrian crossing , see the birds in the city  park , eat ice cream and go feed the ducks.  I just grin and  shoo her away to change before I carry her to the car to start our little adventure.

               We first went to the zoo to check out the animals . Her love for animal was evidant for she always presist me to take picture of her and all the animals . Than when we were looking at the Orang Utan a team of vet was doing their regular checkup on them, taking out any thorns out from their feet etc .



         Alicia face lit up and  loudly crying out " Mommy, I'm gonna be a animal doctor when I grow up. I'll save animals just like how you save people "  The family that were visiting was smiling and looking at my Alicia with amusement.  



                Slowly I crouch down to Alicia and whisper in her ear " That you will do, and the animals will love you for that. " Alicia keep staring at the team of vets and  smile. 


                    After the zoo, we were waiting at a busy intersection waiting for the pedestrain light turn green. She look across the street , staring at the beautiful birds. While I warn her that she need to wait for t he light turn green. 


                        The  pedestrian light turn green and Alicia ran. At that time I thought the pedestrian light are safe but I was wrong . My smile falter as I saw driver hitting my daughter. 


                        I gasped,  I was stupefied. The scene unfolded as drivers that we were waiting at the intersection ran from thier car , onlookers were shock. Thats when I quickly ran to my daughter shouting



               " Someone call 911,  Please. "   As that happens I quickly try to find a pulse and luckily I felt the heartbeats. As Alicia eyes flutter, I got kinda panic. 

                           " Alicia, don't close your eyes. You can't because the ambulance are coming. They take you to the hospital.   I keep talking to her till the ambulance arrive taking out a stretcher and delicately carry her up and with my in toll  as we  sped away  .



          We were send to an emergency room, where doctors  and nurses running around trying to subside the blood lost. Than a head doctor where I vaguely remember walk up to me with a blank look. 

                           " Your the patients mom, right? As a collegue , a doctor. I won't give you false hope, but  your daughter has a need for a heart. " 

                        My eyes widen in shock. " Is there any  heart donor right now?" He shook his head from side to side but than I thought of an idea. " How about you guys using my heart, to let her live?" 



                 " It's unethical to do that to a healthy person. You should know that, and even if its possible. You'll die in her stead, where you'll leave her forever without a mom."  he silently sigh with sadness. " I recommend you, your daughter only have an hour to live give or take. So spend time with her, give  her comfort. " 



            I quickly open the door, to witness the sad sight of Alicia. Her blood wound reside but I know inside her heart has suffer too much damage to live. I felt tears almost welling up. 


                           " Mommy its ok, don't be sad."  Ironically she gave me a loop sided smile like  the one in the bedroom not a   few hours ago . " I'll be okay." 



                     The tears prickle down my cheeks as I was holding her hand. Tears pour down like a river  till I feel her hands give out but I'm still wanting to hold her.



               I shudder  not knowing if its  the sad memory to resurface or the cool blast of wind that is gently blowing around me. I was on the hospital roof and silently put another pot of flower plant to commemorate the memory of my daughter , Alicia. 




           She was there again, another year has past so fast . With the pot of plant but something is up. She took out a bottle of tablets and as the tablet hit her mouth. His horrified expression tells all, that will be the last anyone will see her again. Well alive at least.




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